2008-07-24 at 12:39 a.m.
i don't have time to write, again. but here i am anyway. dance evveerry day. but i'm glad for it. even if we're doing major half day practice on sunday as well. (i also don't know why i'm typing here as well cause this is personal. but i guess i just felt like continuing here from yesterday.)today was sooooooo much better. ended about just as late as the day before. things weren't doing too well at first but the non-gospel item people got a good chunk of the afternoon to do our own clean-ups. dancing on the netball court is a nightmare. you just can't do things with all that friction, and your energy's sapped twice as fast. i regret that i'm a sweaty animal. but i confer it was good. eventually the sandpaper ground felt nearly like the polished dance studio floor, meaning that we'd managed to counter it/adjust our effort levels to keep up. so removing that element we should definitely be able to hit our steps properly. worms is the only fellow dancer to ever say anything encouraging about my effort. i've learnt to not need it in any sense cause i have to. plus that's not sth to think about when you're in a team. but it was nice.broadway speed clean-ups went quite okay, we were so relieved. i just really hope when we practice in heels tomorrow we can maintain that. i struggle so much with them.
at the end of the day, me and amd were agreeing that finally! you can see rapture coming together a leettle bit. and it feels so much more encouraging to know that. everyone's so upset and stressed over the possible worst-case-scenario. that i shan't mention.
aside from all this, i've also heard some things. that are apparantly "secret/private" (i.e. hearsay), but not that concealled at all cause if these got to me it's not really under wraps. so there's this conflict of reception i'm facing. 1) in believing that i'm observant and have an acute sense of understanding other characters, i want to know more and am glad i was entrusted and got the dish on sth. 2) that in truth i'm probably the last to know, and i usually am.
i really don't know which i'd rather be - the first to hear everything, but live with a warped and polluted perception; or take being out of the loop not as an insult but a testament to my character being above all that. (if i could believe so...) would it be rational of me to consider that even in knowing so called truths about people, gossip, they do not necessarily provide me a clearer picture of who i'm looking at. for the prejudice or judgement i inevitably throw upon the subject makes me forget human behaviour, my own succumbing to it, and how after all i am really not that stigma.
whatever it is, one thing i'm clear of is that being awakened to the seemingly superficial considerations of others, i have been shaken out of my stupor. one that was induced by my own prideful imagination. good thing i've been prevented from possibly looking like a fool. good thing i was checked from allowing my imagination to grow. as a matter of fact, things feel so objectified that now i'm both humouring myself and indulging in surrealism. so quickly and effectively i've been returned my sovereignty. i'm happy to be as strong as i want to seem. though i admit to pride. it's a coping mechanism.
girls are not commodities. gus and friends must be ridiculous.
so yeah, in somewhat unconventional unprecedented ways, God gave me a good birthday. it's my most boring uneventful one yet. and i don't even think about it being my birthday. i don't like thinking about it. i don't know how to deal with or face other people. and there's something about the "birthday", the created social idea. i can't "celebrate" myself like that. it's not the cake (i had no cake anyway), or the friends or the love and whatever goes. but it's the idea of what's going on. this routine no one understands but think they need to go through. i can't bear that attention i don't think i'll ever get.
but i'm just glad for what i've been given today.
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daniel xin
jotan-gent
buttcheeks dilly jules steph mandy yuelin weishan
jason jas-imah!
hot-hor anoifest bi-polar our panic! girl
DARTH VADER mindu the affair with the dim sum
ne-aij
grace emo feminist
jia hui
rakk
wow rakk again! and again
domo
danielle
k!loe
and his photos
mandy yuelin weishan
jason jas-imah!
hot-hor anoifest bi-polar our panic! girl
DARTH VADER mindu the affair with the dim sum
ne-aij
grace emo feminist
jia hui
rakk
wow rakk again! and again
domo
danielle
k!loe
and his photos
jason
DARTH VADER mindu the affair with the dim sum
ne-aij grace
rakk wow rakk again! and again domo
danielle k!loe and his photos