2008-08-07 at 12:06 a.m.
shafiq said like he senses an obsession. my response was, that i obsess over everyone anyway. part of me dislikes this self-imposed enslavement. but much of me loves what (or rather, who) i choose. what else is there?what else is there? what else is there?
recently, i've had good talks with deborah, seen people become best friends for a period(including a woman named nauveed lol), heard people fall out, wrote a boey vuck poem with the class, loved new zealand accents and tried a fotc mel accent, visited the dance studio, and listened to "deliver us" from the prince of egypt soundtrack on repeat.
i tried to buy a camera today. nikon d60x. 600 - 700 bucks. but it turned out to be a little nightmare cause all my nikon lenses wouldn't fit (they are too old) and i just didn't have faith in what i was doing. fact remains, i still don't. i just can't win when it comes to this. all the technicalities scare me and i know i am sorely understudied, underpracticed, ammature, and incompetent in my handling and understanding of my camera and how photography works. so far i've been playing it by ear and adjusting how i work based on pure, crude aesthetic judgements. this different frequency vis-a-vis the knowledgable and practiced has now exposed me (omg wth a pun) as the fake fool i am who doesn't know what she's doing.
i feel perennially powerless. ack i don't know what to do with my medium, i don't know what to do with my storyline. i really want to change it. de-vucking-boey myself and make things simpler. but when i tried telling miss chan she didn't accept it cause i say too much and do too little. but it's different this time. i'm pretty sure it is.
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