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2008-09-29 at 2:30 a.m.

"Wonder" is a feeling of surprise and admiration caused by something beautiful, unexpected or unfamiliar, and as a verb, it is not only to “feel curious” or “desire to know”, but also to "feel doubt" - Concise Oxford Dictionary, 11th Edition, pp1658, 1859.

from the SB2008 site. trust singapore to open their theme with a dictionary citation. seriously.

based on their elaboration, i suppose it's fair to say that most singaporeans aren't quite ready for an art show beyond literal interpretation anyway. we need to be taught to "wonder" first. hurhur. fair enough. i just really hope we develop our sense of things in time, soon. i mean a long time ago when i first found out that this year's theme was that one worded title i made myself excited simply cause of what wonder would seem to suggest - something wondrous and hopefully more ambitious. i haven't seen the biennale yet so i can't assess it at that, but it WAS of slight concern to me that this theme (and now even more so as i've read their oxford reference) was too easy to pick. it felt like the job of a secondary school student, or someone trying to appeal to a secondary school student. but of course i don't doubt mr nanjo or the sensible people behind the biennale. like i said, i just really want to see singapore grow up and out of this, so that the arts will be allowed to flourish the way it's meant to and not need to have a government reasoned and compromised existence.

aaaannnyywayyy. i'm thinking what mum says to me does actually have negative effects on my psyche. even if i slack off at home, i'm irresponsible and unmotivated and shit, i think it's doing me more harm that she insists that i won't be able to take care of myself if i go overseas. i already worry about and fear the idea of leaving my comfort zone. i don't know how i will handle or even form relationships with foreign pple (surprise). and i especially fear having no certain form of mental emotional support whatsoever when i have to embark on my own art projects. of course i won't hell be able to stop mum from saying whatever the frk she wants. so i guess i'm just trying to remind myself to be resilient here. cause what are my problems? they are self imposed. they are compounded fears of failing, imperfection and inabilities that just broil into inertia, procrastination, stupidity.

i really need to grow up and focus my mind. and not tell myself that i can't do things. the brain that changes itself. i am malleable! okay!

i think about interactive media at adm, and it feels like i'll get to stay in singapore afterall. i really want that. then i think about ntu adm. and i know i can't stay here. of course i could take it; but i don't think i can take it.

the As first. get your grades rachel! don't be sofa king wussy! love more where you need to, and forget everything that kills you, distracts you.

i look and read that j4s blog (sorry i do check back once in a blue moon out of curiosity haha), and i get utterly disgusted. he's a joke. talented aesthetic artist no doubt. he'll always be. but that head belongs in Another Place, decapitated. i know i hold my own now. surprise. thank God haha.

RACHEL HO SURPRISE

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