basically enough, art is over.

2008-11-19 at 8:10 p.m.

art is over. can't believe it.

well basically i DON'T believe it haha. God has been SO KIND. the stuff i studied come out. even that library trip in which i "wasted" time entertaining myself with the book mona hatoum, turned out to be invaluable. my gosh incommunicado actually came out and i knew what it was about. i didn't know untill after the paper that everyone else hadn't really seen it before. they didn't know about the egg slicer wires.

mona you're my star (: like that question with you and bill viola.

i managed to finish my paper. like the miracle of lit paper 1. so i really need to push myself to complete p5 well. the utterly self frustrating thing though is that i left out SO MUCH of what i wanted to say. there was so much i had in me for the essay question. God basically blessed me with a question on freud and mueck so it was just dissatisfying to not have written all those points i've gathered from my study. i was offloading my thoughts on ms chan (and maybe was irriating... sorry...) cause i really heavily involved myself emotionally with the writings haha. studied them very carefully and got soooo much out of them. it was this injustice i did to the artists in the way i didn't manage to write my essay well enough. i barely got what i wanted to say out. there wasn't the time.

well it's sth i accept now. no choice. and yeah, it's over haha.

it's a funny feeling cause there is no other time my mind feels so alive in responding and thinking about the pieces, as when i do a sova paper. and you feel this control and joy in writing and appreciating. but that's over. i mean at least i can look forward to studying art at a more in depth level from here on, but still sova and everything about ms chan's lessons were special. it's kinda how i felt about lit p1 too. you study soo much about your texts, into the subject. but it really comes down to just that one paper. there's so much more to give and love from all that you have received. it's unusual thinking that the paper kinda marks the end of your relationship with the subject. for art especially. i think we are all truly personally involved with the subject.

looking back and considering all i've learnt these three years, how it's all coming to a resolution now, i mean it's something i'm indefinitely grateful for. the skills i've acquired and what i've learnt through my subjects especially art. so much travelling and growing in such a short period of time. it'd be very difficult for me to describe this now, but i do feel so strongly the importance of studying the arts.

studying art has really made me a better person. everything. i can't express it enough. i think about (haha) all the times too that ms chan has been so gracious and understanding to tell me stuff like, the "affective" term for art that i struggled to define for myself. things that pertain to the nature of study and how we can never expect to completely understand an artist and his oeuvre, and neither would that be a fair thing to do. how there are certain things about study at this level. and for effectively reminding me that i'm such a pseudo-art historian character. lol how embarrassing. but i need it.

jia was just discussing with me just a awhile go, how studying sova has really helped increase our sensitivity to art pieces and our appreciation of them. it's all very post-modernist lol. we can dislike an artist, but can appreciate their achievements and what they've done in their field and context, and with their means. even the nanyang style artists lol. it's sth we'd be too brash and untrained to see if it weren't for all the time spent on it. the incredible thing about art is that, although these past few days have been so tiring, and there is the stress and nag of having to conform to an examination in my study, it just builds up my love for it. i want to know more, i want to read all the notes i haven't managed to finish, i want to study this. it's sth i would have lamented before, but surprisingly enough there's this interesting joy i get from memorizing titles and dates of works, and having that at my recall. there is this pleasure i get from looking at that map of artists and their related topics that's currently stuck on my wall. from finding all these links and placements and different points of understanding. having this structure, and yet also knowing that all this transcends and is beyond mere categorization.

studying all this isn't exactly easy, and it's definitely work. but it's work i want to do, and it's purpose i find.

haha looking at the star-ed artists, ms chan really did predict what would come out very well!!!

bearing this in mind, all that i've been taught and have been trained in, i think i should never forget how it started with technically, nothing. i was talking to jonk about art a little the other day and she was telling me how she really has no mind for it, or understanding of it. and i felt humbled cause i know for a fact that it IS sth accessible to everyone in an intellectual sense. there just needs to be some training, exposure, and opening of the mind. when i think about pple like kellyn and G i feel sooooo stupid and useless cause these people can surpass me any day in terms of the study of art and the associated mind power - the one subject i want to pride myself in.

truly, through cousework and sova, i've learnt slowly and in small ways at a time, the importance of hard work and perseverance. it's just innate in my character certain weakness i have that i shan't deny, cause they are also part of my strengths, but my tendency to over think things and to expect too much (which is at times great and at more times incessantly foolish) will have to be overtaken by the tangible effects of driven hard work. the development is gradual and mostly elusive, but it is the build up that will ultimately plonk you somewhere with all these things you have internalized. that alongside rightness in essence of learning that i don't think i've gotten wrong. i just should never allow myself to fear doing things too much. even if realistically and consequently it is inevitable out of the need for the regulating effects of humiliation and shortfall.

it took three years of jc to get this out of me haha, no matter what my results turn out to be. i will never underestimate and shun the necessity of tough paths again. in education, i must never forget the time and effort it took on my part, together with my peers, and especially that of my teachers, to produce knowledge and generate skill starting from so little. never underestimate the capabilities and potential of ALL human minds to reach a particular standard. essentially we are all given the same thing from the outset, which is life. (i know this humanitarian, God-seeking streak won't be sustained consistantly, but haha) in that, i must never stop the strive towards improvement, to do good with what i am given, because i can. i should be ever grateful for, and use my position. it is something i should

never take for granted.

well, a long way more is about to start in a very short time. friday! there are only good things to be anticipated, friendships and endeavours with the art class to be sustained forever more, and i shall allow myself to only believe in this dream.

RACHEL HO SURPRISE

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