2008-12-08 at 12:22 a.m.
my uncle and my mum are STILL doubting my decision to study art and are trying to make me study finance. that is the biggest pile of crap ever. i can't believe it i really don't know what to say. do these people know me or not?we just visited uncle edward's place this evening. his eldest xiao feng's studying fine art at the academy of art in downtown san fran. they have her paintings hung up around the place as well as a pile of her mediocre high school work. the recently done self portraits from college are good. she painted her face really well with depth of tonal range. but i don't like her style. she still has a long way to go of course, but the stuff i've seen so far is typical youth trying to do personalized surrealist. her parents are obviously proud cause she's won scholarships and all, and the adults were all going about the place exclaiming and taking photos of her work and announcing that they could never paint like that. haha well i have nothing with that or against her, it's expected. but i just found it a little ridiculous cause if they judge THAT as the worthy quality of an art student, then i don't see why they are giving me a hard time and not believing in me. i REALLY don't feel confident about my skills off hand, but i at least know that if i work hard and properly on a piece i can more or less get it. at least mum was nice enough to say some good things about my coursework to auntie mimi. maybe she was just trying to find sth small to be proud of cause there's nothing else.
it ticks me off a bit cause uncle david keeps going on about how i should be practical, how i should never marry an artist, how artists are weird like xiao feng (wth seriously to the weird bit, and especially to him considering HER weird). he can never effectively waver my resolve and ultimate direction, but it definitely slowly affects how much i believe in myself and my future. i've been worrying about not being good enough to get even close to getting into places like calarts and tisch let alone even COPING with the standard (which i think is with perfect reason). the good thing about these schools though is they claim to be pro-collaboration and anti-competitive (the nature of the form and industry). but even then there's also the fear of what if what i believe in IS in fact self deception that DOES pose a problem. perhaps even if i feel i'm meant to do this, i'm not "meant to do this" ENOUGH.
however, from this evening i have realised that no matter what the TRUTH really is (which i won't know untill i actually fail. or succeed) i have been STUPID to let him bother me, cause all these IMPOSED OPINIONS are totally not of correct understanding. how could i let someone with such a poor opinion! affect me? that guy knows NOTHING about art (that really matters) or anything i aspire towards. yet he dogmatically talks about what he does know as though it is the only truth. he dissed van gogh too as drawing lousier than his toddler haha.
on a side note, i didn't spend too long looking at xiao feng's works. subconsciously i do know that there's only so much i can study of a piece these days cause observing how it's done doesn't ultimately translate much to your own skill.
i may not be a fantastic illustrator or draughtsman or WHATEVER, but i have my mind and that sense of things i can't let go of and that's why i've always wanted to do this. in all this pressure i've been made to forget that. to forget it's value, importance and TRUTH to ME. people like auntie j.u. and uncle edward's wife were more encouraging and told me to try anyway, even if i don't think i'm good enough, cause you never know. in a very tiny way that got me going again. i think it's impossible for me to shake off my fear, but it was a reminder to not be self-defeatist, cause that's just stupidity and i don't want the others to win. i'm thinking about kung fu panda (i watched it on the plane!) and meet the robinsons (again (: ) hahaha. #1 to first believe, #2 to keep moving forward, failures irregardless. practicality and the financial world can go to hell. it's not the stuff we are made out of. on top of this, ultimately still i'm very alone in the act of simply KNOWING. i'll have to depend more on my own opinon.
i don't want to study near san jose man. i don't want to be that near him it's not going to be too good for me.
anyway to end off this boey kim chengness, i tried to do front somersaults (only) three times on a tramp today. and i majorly FAILED haha. i was kinda upset actually. but at least i did try. i managed to turn over and land on my back like fresh roadkill. i know i die already la too old liao. need to say byebye to dream of backflip. oh well. i only have one life and i can't be a real gymnast or dancer already and that's that. i guess not everything can afford to matter.
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